he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize