mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
