Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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