the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
