My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
