So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
