I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
