i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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