I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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