I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
