Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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