Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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