I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
