i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
