I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
