sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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