Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
