I showed him my bush... on skype.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
