just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
