my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
