Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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