I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
