he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
