Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
