there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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