I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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