Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
