well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
