think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
