there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
