Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
