So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
