I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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