how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
