Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
