it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
