The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
