If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
