dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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