you have to choose: penises or morals?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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