He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
