I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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