so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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