DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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