Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
