Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
it was like eating out sand paper
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
