Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
