Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
