do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
