Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
did you just send me my own nude
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
