I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
