so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
where are my eyebrows?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
