she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize