wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
