im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
