im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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