I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
